From monologue 1/21/10
•“I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30.”
• “I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on.”
• “I’m not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself.”
• “The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher.”
• “Max Weinburg surrender his key to the women’s locker room at the NBC gym.”
• “Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings.”
• “Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter’s medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels.”
• “Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: Inside the ‘Cock.”